When things get rough in life, it is natural to think we have to do something, to take action, to go into problem solving mode. If someone does something mean to us, it is hard-wired into our psyche that we have to defend ourselves, to take revenge, or at least set the record straight by confronting the one who did us wrong. Our natural reaction is to feel upset (and cry, if you’re like me) and then do something – whatever it is – just to make the bad feeling go away.
The need to do something, anything, can sometimes lead us to more problems than we realize. I have a friend, who suspicious about her husband’s relationship with his ex, decided to do some private investigating to unravel evidence that would confirm her suspicions. Sure enough, if you are willing to do the digging, you will certainly find something that, rightly or wrongly, might be construed as incriminating evidence. So, she takes it on to herself to confront her husband about this supposed clandestine communication with his ‘ex’. When her husband remains silent or denies it, she naturally doesn’t believe him leading to even more distrust and more bones of contention coming out of the closet.
Question is, if you dig and find crap, and the crap contaminates you, should you really blame the person who you tried to get dirt on, or should you really blame yourself? Hmmm…think before you answer. It’s not as obvious as you might imagine.
The relationship between husband and wife is a very delicate bond. It is easily damaged by sentiments of distrust, suspicion, harshness and neglect. The hardest thing to do when a relationship is in crisis is to be patient with your other half. The sheer thought of being lied to, of being cheated on, of being taken for a ride is so unbearable that just doing nothing, or being patient, and riding the wave doesn’t seem like a palatable option.
Yet, little do we realise that the secret in achieving success in a relationship and success in this life is to be patient when confronted with a difficult situation. It is so counter-intuitive to our ‘go getter’ mentality that doing nothing and patiently enduringly a seemingly bad situation can make us a winner in the long run. We are so conditioned by today’s society that if you don’t do anything to defend yourself against someone who does wrong to you, then you are a loser, with a capital ‘L’. On the contrary, some problems, especially those that involve other people, whose behavior is outside our realm of control to change, are really more effectively solved by ‘just being patient’.
What does this mean exactly? Well, being patient entails 3 main behaviors to make it a beautiful patience (sabrun jamiilun). First, to not retaliate unkindness with unkindness. Second, to continue behaving kindly and lovingly to the instigator of the trouble. Third, to place the difficult situation squarely in the ‘hands’ of the One who created that individual (Allah or the Ultimate Deity).
Sounds easy enough to do? Maybe not, but rest assured if you can train yourself to do this in your relationship with others, you will always come out the winner in any situation. What is important to remember is that the people who win the battle but lose the war are the real losers in any conflict. So, if you want to win the war, then be prepared to lose the smaller battles and trust that patience will lead you to the Winner’s circle, ultimately. The only caveat is, don’t attach a time frame to all this since things happen in due course, and on a timetable that is not ours to dictate.
An impatient person never wins. The old adage “good things come to those who wait” has proven to be true time and time again and it is a wonderment that we still haven’t picked up this lesson and continue to want to rush things rather than having unwavering faith that most of our relationship ills can be cured by just one of the conflicting parties exercising the extra mile in being patient. And to do so with a smile because you are sure that Allah swt has promised to be with those who are patience (الصابرين)
May Allah guide whoever is reading this (me, especially) to be among those who master the art-form of SABRUN JAMIILUN (beautiful patience). Amiin.
